someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
