The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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