don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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