I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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