Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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