you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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