You're my little dorito
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize