i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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