so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
