So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
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