How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
