Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
