I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
