I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
