whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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