I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
