Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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