My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
