just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
