Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We need to rekindle our bromance
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
