god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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