Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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