You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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