I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
