time to smoke my breakfast
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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