Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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