But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
