quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize