i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
