HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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