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Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
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You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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