Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
