She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
being pregnant is like rehab
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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