He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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