508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
