After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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