Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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