hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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