I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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