just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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