She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
