I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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