you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
People in love make me want to vomit
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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