She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
he high fived his dick after we had sex
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
