I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
not ubering you a puppy
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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