I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
