How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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