Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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