An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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