I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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