Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
