I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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