I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
