I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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