Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
whose parrot is this?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
