just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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