A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
