You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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