I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
